Nothing has been harder for me in this life than trying to be what someone else wants me to be. And I know what you’re thinking - “WTF?! Be yourself, fuck him, fuck what he wants out of you!” But honestly, when you love someone, when you live with someone, when you want that person to be the one you wake up to for the rest of your life, you make changes for them.
I have done this. I have fallen in love with a man who was and still is my best friend. There have been so many bumps, so many times I just wanted to leave him, so many things that he’s done that I’ve felt I wasn’t deserving of. Yet, that doesn’t negate my undying passion for him, the dangerous way we love each other. I can’t let go.
It’s because I want my life with him in it. All of his imperfections, his temper, how easy it is for him to make me cry. I want all of his flaws because I feel like as time passes, he’ll learn and grow and become the man I know he is capable of being for me.
In this crazy, fucked up relationship, I have changed so much just for him. I have changed things about myself that I loved. I used to be so hard with walls up high and it was like pulling teeth to get through to me. I adored that aspect of my being, that people had to work to get through to me…they still do. Yet with him I’m like putty in his hands, so willing to morph myself for the sake of my love for him. And it kills me, it devastates and ruins me that he won’t do the same.
He has made many alterations to his lifestyle, the ways he approaches things…but not everything in order to make this work. And I’m so tired, so exhausted, so fed up with all of it. I try so hard to be the woman he has faith in me becoming. I want to be that for him. But my wants seem to be of little significance to him and it hurts. It fucking sucks. It crushes me and makes me feel as if I don’t matter. So much so to the point where I’m asking myself, “Why? Why am I still here?”
Today more than any other time before I feel like completely giving up and I want to walk out of that door and never look back. I know this relationship is unhealthy, cruel, abusive, and obsessive. I know the person I was before would never have stayed and I know if she were still here she would tell me to run. But I’m not that person anymore and I can’t bring her back.
I must find the strength to either demand what I want, what I need or I must get the courage to leave and know that it is for the betterment of my being. And it’s funny, ya know, because I have never seen myself as a weak person, someone who could get so wrapped up that she couldn’t pull herself out of something that wasn’t for her. But here I am. I am fighting and trying to salvage a relationship that may not ever get better for someone who shows me in more ways than one that I am the follower, the submissive, the slave to a king.